Hello.
It's been a while. I've been very busy with campus life that I had no time
to write things up.
Well, here it is.
2015 has been a very...shaky year perhaps? I learnt a lot from this year.
First of all, I've learnt that it is okay to confide in someone, but never
put too much expectations out of it. When things go sour, I will be
receiving the harsh end. It's just human anyway to disappoint hopes
and expectations of the others. I said that, but I will still try my best not
to disappoint what precious people have trusted me with. I know some
of my best friends would hate me for that, but what can I do? I'm just...
that kind of person.
Anyways, I've also learnt that it is only at the end of things that people
will surely show their true colors. Like what happened to this someone,
let's call her 'X'. X has been a part of life since 2013 (although I did knew
her way long before that). We became closer than best friends or more like,
siblings-like. We went through our share of trouble and stuff, and through it
all, we endured. Together. Well, not really together but we would seek each
other to talk about it or something like that? We shared what we can and do
what we can to help each other. X became what you could call "an important
existence" to me. Honestly, I did fell for X too, but it was an unrequited love,
so go figure. To cut story short, this year something happened and somehow
we fell apart. And that was the first time it hurts a lot more than me breaking
up with my ex-girlfriend.
Why that happened? You see, I said to not confide too much didn't I? But the
thing is, I did so anyway and now I'm paying the price. Even thought X will
never become mine, I am okay with being just sibling-like or something. But
that too, has become distant. I expected a lot from X that it ended up hurting
X more than once. In the end, X misunderstood me and now X ignores me.
Completely.
That actually shakes my life to the core because it feels as if a part of me is
forcibly removed. My study suffered, some relationships I had with people also
were affected. My depression kicked in, and I was in a very, very dark place, alone.
I am okay now though because I've made peace with it. Because I cannot stop
anyone who wants to leave. It is their choice, and the more I force things to stay,
the worse it will be. If so, then I rather end things. Because it is the best. For me
and X. Because what has been said can never be taken back. In an instant, everything
is over. Back to square one.
Maybe this was supposed to happen. Maybe there are things that can be learnt from
what had happened. Maybe I'm just someone who walks in and out of everybody's
life just to be there for a while and disappear after. Maybe I'm just a dumb person
who cannot really mingle with everyone and stays. Maybe I'm just a wanderer.
Maybe it's because I'm me. Maybe.
There are a lot of possibilities but it's okay now. I've made my peace.
After all, X may be happier without me. Because....well there's a lot
to say about it but I don't know...I'm just okay with things at this moment.
But still...well...let's end it here for now. I don't feel like digging up memories
about X.
Thanks for those who read this anyway. I'm sorry if my writing is boring though
because I'm an introvert and all I talk about is life and boring stuffs. But I can be
extrovert too, but....
Let's just end it here. Thanks again :)
-Nico
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