Just anything about what I've been holding in (Part 2)

I love you. More than you will ever know. More than any other girls I have ever fell for. I have been hooking up with various girls, just so that you stay pure. Just so that I will not corrupt you with my existence. Even until now, I pushed myself to keep a certain distance away, because crossing that line will make me go crazy. I love you. I really love you. When you are sad and I know about it, something will hurt inside me. When you are happy, I feel so good that I cannot stop smiling the whole day. 

Despite everything, I am still am very much in love with you. Putting up a pretense about it hurts me a lot. It hurts me bad. I have been through cases of depression just to push my worthless feelings deep where it will never see the light. Because I know, if I ever let it free, someone will be hurt. Someone I really love will be hurt so bad, it will create a gap between us. I do not want that, ever. If pretending means that I will never be together with you, then so be it. I do not want to lose you, ever. Even if it is going to hurt me. Even if it means to see you happy with someone else. Because I cannot ever see myself giving you smiles every now and then. Because all I am is just a lone, eccentric boy. 

It had been years. I still remember the first time I tried to talk to you on Facebook. Giving you lame excuses just to be able to talk with you at the time. That made me really happy. So happy. I do not know anything that time, I was just happy that I get to do what I really want. Come to think of it, I feel better about growing up, because if I did not, I would have spilled the bean easily. I would have tell you everything. Everything will crumble. 

Now, looking at your updates.... You are madly in love. With someone else. I am sure that someone is not me. Not in this lifetime. Why does it hurts so much? I have been telling myself and preparing myself for this day to happen. Why does it still hurts so much? It hurts so much that I want to die. But I do not want to, because if I do, you will be sad. Everything will not go well for you. 

So I will just stay here, in my place. Putting up fake smiles, pretend that I am okay. I just want to see you happy. That is just enough. That will just suffice. Maybe loving is not all about having. Maybe being is just enough. I do not know. I just love you, so much.