HIATUS

Hello :)

To be quite honest, I think it's time for me to start something else on blogger. I find my page (this page) quite depressing, so I am thinking of closing it down. For now. Just look at my last post ahahaha.

With that said, I am putting this page on hiatus, until further notice (not that anyone's reading anyway since this page is a bit more personal and stuff. See you when I see you :)

Nico, 23 May 2017 12.32 AM

2017, Another Year with The Same Life

Hello!

I know, I only do updates once in a blue moon, now I am sorry but I kinda like it being this way. Kinda gives me the space to be me. 

I am really sure that I am somewhat weird, but somehow quite adaptable to my surrounding. Like, if I were to be alone, I will be very...me, but when I am being surrounded by a group of people I might become another me. Get it? Of course, I might be very me with people around me as well, just as long as they are the ones that I trust, the ones that I can depend and count on. So. Starting 2017, I feel like I want to try to be more honest with myself and decide to be even weird among strangers. Not hentai-level kind of weird but...just like when I am with my nakamas. Somehow, living my life until now that way, I found myself feeling quite suffocated whenever I am surrounded by people other than my nakamas. Maybe I am not good enough at pretending to be someone else, maybe I just got really wrecked. 2016 was not exactly a good year, not a bad year too, but too much happened, and I still have to learn to take it all in.

Love, I think I have found one. But this time, I am going to take things real slow. I do not want this to end nowhere. Besides, she became too precious to hurt, and I think I changed a little inside, just because I fell for her. Anyway, now is not the time to disclose who she is, yet, I will find another time to share about that.

In the meantime, Merry Belated Christmas, and Happy New Year! 

of my chaotic life and the solemn day after

It's been days since I last wrote. Or rather, typed. I'm sure this trend is here to stay, with my internship starting today and all. Well anyways-

I cleared things between me and Phiong. I guess after letting out everything, she finally understood why I am hurting so much. Might be too hurting too. Perhaps, because she insisted on me to kick her out of my life for hurting me. But then, after a rather lengthy conversation and me, obviously still pissed off, swearing and stuff, it is decided that I will stay as a brother-figure to her. Until she found someone she wants to be with. By the way, I do not know if it is already obvious, but she did say the four words, "I don't want you." to me, and that made the wound deeper. But as deeper as it went, I recovered just minutes after and I accepted the outcome of the conversation. She have not texted me yet since then, but well....I just kinda got tired of waiting and just let things be.

Actually, I feel free. Like, I am finally free from the chains that binds me to her. Now I am numb towards the idea of someone else fucking her and be together until God knows when. Perhaps this is a phase where I will be able to move on and do things I have never done before. Or perhaps it is time for another musical piece, or the time has come for me to complete my Archangel class ship of Gundam Seed anime series. However, as peaceful as things are, right now, I cannot help but feel rather annoyed at myself. For no reason.

It is 11:41 GMT +8 right now so I will go to bed, but before that I am going to wash my work shirt and hang it to dry. I only have two of them so I have to do this everyday for 5 months at least. I thought of staying as a permanent staff at my intern but that is another thing to ponder upon for my next post...maybe?

Howdy!

Heyyy :3

I've just updated my playlist, I think those songs are relatable at the moment. They're basically what I feel like every day. I listen to them almost every time as well.

Moving on, heyyyy it's been a long time since my last post. It was about starting the 6th Semester and now there are 4 weeks left before it is over. For now, leaving this place does not make me feel like, sad or anything like that, yet. I invested more time in having fun and of course finishing my FYP properly this time, so...that thing is like, being pushed to the furthest depth of my mind.

Love life? For now..nah. I don't feel like getting into anything serious yet, although my heart is already taken for sure. Or has it always been taken? I think I have not moved on properly yet, from Ying. I still remember moments together with her, which seems so unreal right now. I miss her. But at the same time, I care for someone else. A LOT. I do not know why but sometimes thinking about this just tire me me out. Maybe it is because it is me. I cannot recall knowing anyone else that have the same problem like mine. Oh, and I miss Joan.

So, I think this is enough for now. Nothing much is inside my head today anyways, but I hope something will come up soon.

"Please don't invest your everything on people who does not appreciate a thing you did." - Nico 2016

Oh and goodbye Phiong. It was a good fun while it lasts. It is time for us both to just stop being friends altogether since you clearly have no need for me. Anymore.

Fresh begining

Hello there :)

              Next week, I'll be starting my 6th semester at UniKL MFI. Why you ask? Because I failed a subject. I failed my Final Year Project. First, I've thought of just appealing to the dean to reconsider my situation, but then most of my friends who barely passed....they got a pointer of 2.4 CGPA. Which fucking sucks. A lot. So, to avoid that I decided to repeat the subject, making improvements to my actually-already-finished-project and aim for A. By doing so, I will be able to raise my CGPA a lot to reach the 3.** pointers. Oh btw, my pointer right now is 2.75, having dropped from 3.1+, I don't really remember specifically. Well, right now I'm just looking forward for things to come. I'm looking forward to things that I will learn. Or relearn. Perhaps this is the best course of action. Because 2.4 CGPA will make it looks like the whole 3 years spent here is wasted. I don't want that. Definitely not wanting that for my exit from this campus.

Fighting!
Toodles :3

New face!

Hello!
I've just changed the look.
What do you think?
Anyway, I might be changing things
a lot, so bear with me.

And thanks for reading :)

A day left before 2016

Hello.
It's been a while. I've been very busy with campus life that I had no time
to write things up.

Well, here it is.

2015 has been a very...shaky year perhaps? I learnt a lot from this year.

First of all, I've learnt that it is okay to confide in someone, but never
put too much expectations out of it. When things go sour, I will be
receiving the harsh end. It's just human anyway to disappoint hopes
and expectations of the others. I said that, but I will still try my best not
to disappoint what precious people have trusted me with. I know some
of my best friends would hate me for that, but what can I do? I'm just...
that kind of person.

Anyways, I've also learnt that it is only at the end of things that people
will surely show their true colors. Like what happened to this someone,
let's call her 'X'. X has been a part of life since 2013 (although I did knew
her way long before that). We became closer than best friends or more like,
siblings-like. We went through our share of trouble and stuff, and through it
all, we endured. Together. Well, not really together but we would seek each
other to talk about it or something like that? We shared what we can and do
what we can to help each other. X became what you could call "an important
existence" to me. Honestly, I did fell for X too, but it was an unrequited love,
so go figure. To cut story short, this year something happened and somehow
we fell apart. And that was the first time it hurts a lot more than me breaking
up with my ex-girlfriend.

Why that happened? You see, I said to not confide too much didn't I? But the
thing is, I did so anyway and now I'm paying the price. Even thought X will
never become mine, I am okay with being just sibling-like or something. But
that too, has become distant. I expected a lot from X that it ended up hurting
X more than once. In the end, X misunderstood me and now X ignores me.
Completely.

That actually shakes my life to the core because it feels as if a part of me is
forcibly removed. My study suffered, some relationships I had with people also
were affected. My depression kicked in, and I was in a very, very dark place, alone.

I am okay now though because I've made peace with it. Because I cannot stop
anyone who wants to leave. It is their choice, and the more I force things to stay,
the worse it will be. If so, then I rather end things. Because it is the best. For me
and X. Because what has been said can never be taken back. In an instant, everything
is over. Back to square one.

Maybe this was supposed to happen. Maybe there are things that can be learnt from
what had happened. Maybe I'm just someone who walks in and out of everybody's
life just to be there for a while and disappear after. Maybe I'm just a dumb person
who cannot really mingle with everyone and stays. Maybe I'm just a wanderer.
Maybe it's because I'm me. Maybe.

There are a lot of possibilities but it's okay now. I've made my peace.
After all, X may be happier without me. Because....well there's a lot
to say about it but I don't know...I'm just okay with things at this moment.

But still...well...let's end it here for now. I don't feel like digging up memories
about X.

Thanks for those who read this anyway. I'm sorry if my writing is boring though
because I'm an introvert and all I talk about is life and boring stuffs. But I can be
extrovert too, but....








Let's just end it here. Thanks again :)

-Nico